Words

A few months ago one of my oldest and closest friends said he’d never seen me so comfortable in my own skin, which is quite possibly one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. 

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This made me think: What’s changed since I’d last seen him that’s led me to getting to this level of comfort? 

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For some context, I was born without a left forearm – a likely result of an amniotic tangle in the womb. Navigating the world with this difference has been a journey. There have been moments I have fully loved and accepted myself, and there have been many other moments when I have longed for a different body, when I have hidden my disability in some unbelievable and outrageous ways (I’ve got to give it to myself, I got really creative with this).​ 

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So, what’s changed in the past year or so? I’m not entirely sure. But here’s a few things I’ve noticed:

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Vulnerability has made a world of difference. Both vulnerability I’ve experienced from others, and being honest and open with my own experiences surrounding my disability. Openly talking about these things with my friends. Laughing about them!  Being frustrated and sad over them. Reading, following and connecting with other people that have similar experiences. Vulnerability connects people. We are drawn to vulnerability. My favorite kinds of people online are those that are publicly vulnerable; the kind of vulnerability that screams “YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE MESSY TOO!” 

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Learning has had a place too. Delving deeper into reading, writing and talking about disability issues has helped me become much more settled within myself. Learning about the systems in place that exclude disabled communities has broadened my perspective. And reading other disabled writers’ work has made me think; ​AHA! Here is someone I have never met who has come along and put words to this feeling! This experience is not just unique to me! Thank god. 

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In the past year, I’ve also begun writing a lot. Much of it unworthy of sharing –shreds of thoughts in a journal that I probably couldn’t decode or decipher even if I wanted to. 

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But, some of it, I’d like to share – in the name of vulnerability and hoping it will continue to aid me in feeling comfortable with myself, and maybe, possibly, help someone else fumbling down this path.

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Let’s get a few things straight before I begin: 

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1. I have no idea what I’m doing. But, most of us don’t. So that’s okay. 

2.  This blog will be unhurried. It will be a home for my writing as it comes up; a space for me to share things casually (no schedule, sorry). 

3.  Some of this writing will likely be vulnerable, some won’t. Some will be about disability and my experience surrounding having a limb difference, and some won’t be. 

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Maybe all of this rambling will have a positive impact. Or maybe it’s self-indulgent. I don’t care. Writing feels good. So here is a new home for my messy writing as it comes up. Thank you for being here!